


Through the Dark

by sunshineflying



Series: tshaw and evie [6]
Category: BBC Radio 1 RPF, One Direction (Band)
Genre: Kid Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-20
Updated: 2015-09-20
Packaged: 2018-04-22 14:09:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4838096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunshineflying/pseuds/sunshineflying
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Next in the Tomlinshaw + Evie series.</p><p>Ollie has arrived and life is good - Nick knows what he wants his future to be like now, and he knows it involves Louis and Evie and Ollie and however many more babies Louis wants. The only trouble is, having Briana still in the picture complicates things, especially when Evie wants to see her and Briana's halfway around the globe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Through the Dark

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks as always to Jen, for being the best Britpick and beta I could ever ask for. You put me at ease with this installment, because I was very worried, so many thanks to you for looking at this with a critical eye!
> 
> That being said -- beware, ahead lies angst.

As Nick very quickly learns, taking care of a newborn day in and day out, sunrise to sunset and every moment in between, is not like he imagined it at all. Evie is much easier to care for – he’d taken for granted how self-sufficient she could be, even at a young age. Ollie requires attention at all hours, and he cries _all the time_. Nick is absolutely exhausted but he finds he quite likes it, when it comes down to it, because this is his son, his pride and joy, and he’s arguably the best cuddler in the world.

It astounds him, how easy it is for him to fall into life as the father of a newborn. He gets up in the middle of the night so Louis doesn’t have to, and sometimes Louis sends Nick off to bed early and puts Ollie to sleep so Nick can wake up and not feel dead when he’s got the radio show the next morning.

Evie takes to being a big sister wonderfully, always eager to help feed Ollie or get his blanket if he’s fussy, or to put his dummy in his mouth to quiet him down. She adores him, and Ollie always manages to smile just for her. Nick loves watching the two of them together, loves smiling at Louis and saying out loud that _this is their family_ now. It feels like a miracle.

One evening he curls up on the sofa, Ollie asleep on his chest after a bottle and Evie already passed out on the sofa next to him. She’s snoring a little, and Ollie’s got his mouth open just like Evie usually has when she’s asleep. He’s flicking through the channels with his free hand and comes across a wedding show. For some reason, he stops searching and pauses to watch.

Suddenly, he wants nothing more than to have a wedding, to marry Louis. It feels right, he thinks, and he knows Louis will say yes, if ever Nick says something. Sophia helped him choose a ring from a shop he’d never thought of going to before, and it’s absolutely perfect.

But the right moment just hasn’t come up yet. Nick wonders if maybe he needs to go all out and fancy; their life isn’t actually like that anymore. They each have their jobs, having moved on from the X-Factor, the long filming days no longer suiting the pair. 

When the wedding show ends, Nick switches off the telly and hates how tired he feels at only eight o’clock in the evening. He gently stands up and carries Ollie upstairs to his cot, and then goes back downstairs to pick up Evie and carry her to bed as well. They’re both out like a light and Nick smiles; he’s so fond of his children he can hardly contain himself.

As he’s pulling the door closed on Evie’s room, he hears Louis come in the garage door downstairs. Louis looks up as he sees Nick coming down the stairs, and he smiles. “Hello,” Nick smiles. “How was your day?”

Louis rolls his eyes and grumbles as he kicks off his Vans. “It was awful. So many meetings! And no progress, that’s the worst part. We’re still stuck on this stupid album,” Louis says, trudging into the kitchen to switch on the kettle.

Nick leans in the doorway of the kitchen, watching Louis huff about, and he says, “Hey, Louis.”

Louis’s eyes are dark and moody as he turns, but he’s giving Nick his attention so that’s something, at least. “Take a breath and come here,” Nick instructs.

And there he goes again, rolling his eyes. Nick steps forward this time, since Louis can’t be arsed to move, and he puts his long arms around Louis’s slender torso whether he likes it or not. “Just relax,” Nick says. “There’s nothing you can do about it tonight, alright? So don’t stress about it.”

“It’s just bullshit though,” Louis grumbles into Nick’s chest. “It’s my company. I should be able to take care of this without all the red tape.”

Nick chuckles. “All the more reason for you to have to deal with it – you’re in charge of everything and nobody else will take it on,” he says.

“I hate it,” Louis pouts.

Nick smiles fondly and rubs Louis’s back as he says, “I don’t blame you. I’d be really pissed off if I were in your shoes. But relax, alright? Enjoy your evening.”

Louis slumps. “But the kids are already in bed,” he says.

“Well, you know, you’ve got a boyfriend who’s missed you an awful lot today,” Nick argues.

Louis snorts into Nick’s chest and says, “I keep him around for the child care.”

Nick gives Louis a pat on the bum and protests, “Oi!”

But that’s drawing a laugh out of Louis and Nick is rather proud of himself, having been able to figure out Louis enough to cheer him up so easily. The kettle is hissing now and Nick says, “Go get your tea, we’ll have a cuddle and then go up to bed. Maybe you’ll be able to cuddle Ollie before we sleep.”

“He’s still not sleeping more than a few hours at a time?” Louis asks with a sigh.

Nick shakes his head. “He should be, at this point, I think,” Louis frowns. “I’d have to check with me mum but… he’s three months old. I think that’s when Evie could do it.”

“It’s probably different for every baby,” Nick offers. “But check with your mum, alright? Maybe she’ll know how to make it happen.”

Louis nods and steps away from Nick to brew himself some tea. Nick watches Louis and it’s in moments like those that he feels especially useless. He doesn’t always know how to cheer Louis up, aside from putting a kid in his arms. He wishes he could, but they’re still learning each other even after a couple of years.

They settle in to watch some late-night telly whilst Louis sips at his tea. Louis curls into Nick’s side, tight up against him with his knees pulled up to his chest, and he smiles up at Nick when the show’s done. “I never asked you how your day went,” he says.

“It was uneventful,” Nick says. “Just the radio show.”

“Oh shit, you’ve got to do that in the morning, haven’t you?” Louis says, sitting up straight. “You didn’t have to stay up for me.”

“Relax,” Nick laughs. “This is just fine. We’re fine. I’m a new father, being tired is to be expected. Finchy can just deal with it.”

Louis narrows his eyes at Nick and when the faintest trace of Ollie’s cries comes through the monitor’s speaker, he says, “Saved by the baby. Go to bed, I’ll get him. I’ve missed him.”

Nick leans in to give Louis a soft kiss, and it tastes of tea and Louis, and it’s perfect. He smiles into it and lets it linger until Ollie is full on wailing. “Go on then,” Louis says weakly, pushing at Nick’s chest. “Get some rest.”

“Love you,” Nick whispers.

“You too,” Louis replies.

They switch off the lamp and the telly and both wander upstairs, Nick to their bedroom and Louis down to Ollie’s. Nick climbs into bed and listens as the monitor in their bedroom lets him hear Louis with Ollie.

“It’s alright, love,” Louis coos. “It’s alright, daddy’s got you. I’m right here, shhh. That’s it. It’s okay.” It’s quiet and Nick feels his heart clenching like he’s going to burst. Louis is so great with him. It makes Nick hope he can be half the father Louis is. “Let’s get you a fresh nappy and try sleeping again, huh?” Louis says, and Nick can hear Ollie’s tiny noises as Louis changes him.

 _This is it,_ Nick realizes. With his heart full enough to burst with love, Nick knows for sure that this is the moment he’s meant to propose. No moment could possibly be more perfect.

He gets up out of bed and rushes to their closet. He reaches up onto the top shelf behind some old jumpers – a place Louis would never look – and pulls out a thick black box. He smiles, flips it open to look at the ring, and nods.

Nick rotates the box in his hand nervously a few times over, and then takes a deep breath and walks down the hall.

When he gets into Ollie’s room, Louis is there in the rocker, holding Ollie tight to his chest. Ollie is making nonsense noises up at Louis, who’s smiling at him. Nick holds the box behind his back as he watches. When Louis notices him, he looks up, beaming through the gentle glow of the lamp, and says, “He’s telling me about his day.”

“It was a busy one,” Nick nods. “Lots of dirty nappies. A bit of spit up. Plenty of sleep.”

“Sounds like the _perfect_ day,” Louis says as he smiles down at Ollie again.

Nick knows this is what he wants the rest of his life to be like. The joyous smiles, the sparkle in Louis’s eyes, the lovely, warm feeling Nick gets in his chest as he watches his family.

Slowly, Nick takes a step forward and says, “Louis, I… I’ve got something for you.”

Louis raises an eyebrow and asks, “What is it?”

“Well,” Nick starts. “You’ve got to like… you don’t need to take it if you don’t want, but…” Nick slowly lowers himself down onto one knee. “It’s just… I look at our life, y’know? And it’s like… perfect.” Nick’s kicking himself because he’s not really making sense and he’s stammering a lot, and that’s not usually like him. With shaking hands he holds out the box and says, “I… I love our family. And I love you. And I’m sort of hoping you’ll agree to marry me?”

It’s not the speech Nick’s had in his head, it’s nowhere close to that, but it seems oddly perfect for them anyway. It’s unique. It’s not full of platitudes and other random things people say to butter someone up. He knows he can be honest with Louis, and he knows Louis will be honest with him.

Except Louis is staring at him, speechless, with his mouth dropped open and his eyes gone wide, and Nick’s suddenly worried that Louis is going to say no. His heart is pounding in his chest, threatening to be louder than their voices, and Nick’s trying to keep his breathing steady and calm.

And then Louis’s eyes are wet and he’s nodding and Ollie’s got his fist caught in the front of Louis’s shirt and it all just seems so perfect, so special, that Nick’s speechless too.

It’s the quietest Nick’s ever seen Louis, but Louis is nodding and he’s smiling through his wet eyes and he’s holding out his left hand. It’s shaking harder than Nick’s hands are and Nick holds it for a moment, to try to calm him, before he slips the silver band onto Louis’s finger. He quite likes the look of it there, the way it fits perfectly.

Louis stares at Nick in awe, almost like he’d never thought Nick was actually going to propose, and Nick leans in to kiss him as Ollie lies there, happily cooing away in his arms.

And that’s when it hits Nick that he’s sort of brought it full circle, from their first kiss until the proposal, because this is exactly how it had gone, the two of them on the sofa with Evie between them, sharing their first kiss as a couple. And _God_ , Nick thinks, nothing could be more perfect than this moment of joy, this very minute where Louis is kissing him and wearing an engagement ring and promising to be Nick’s forever, and that Nick will be his in return.

“So random, you are,” Louis laughs softly into the kiss, still sounding bewildered that the proposal had actually happened. Nick stands up and positively beams at Louis, too overjoyed to hold back even the slightest bit.

He holds up his hand to examine the ring, and he lets out a heavy breath. “I was just waiting for the right moment,” Nick explains. “And hearing you with him… I just knew.”

“You absolute _sap_ ,” Louis laughs, but Nick just smiles with him and nods, because in this very case, he is. He’s absolutely a sap but he’s perfectly alright with that because it’s ended exactly the way he’d hoped it would.

\----

It’s not all happiness and smiles though, Nick quickly learns. As winter comes around and Evie gets ready to turn five, he realizes that this winter is going to be different. Louis usually has a trip to LA for Evie planned, so she can go spend some time with her mum, but Briana’s busy now, in the peak of her career, so there’s no trip. Evie is very likely going to notice, though he and Louis are both hoping she doesn’t.

But of course, as soon as the cold chill is in the air and snow is threatening to fall in small patches, Evie starts asking about when she gets to go see mummy, and it’s hard for Louis. Nick’s heart aches for him.

“No, love,” Louis says softly, passing Ollie off to Nick so he can properly sit down with Evie. “This holiday we’re going to stay in London.”

Evie’s blue eyes go big and wide, and in seconds, they’re welling with tears. Nick holds Ollie a little closer, already seeing the disaster ahead as Louis’s face droops. “But if you’d like, we can plan a fun holiday somewhere. Shall we take Ollie on his first big trip? We can go somewhere nice and warm, like maybe Disney? We can go all the way to the states for Disney if you’d like!” he tries. It’s not the same, and it’s not the greatest bargain, but it’s all Louis can think to offer.

Evie brings her little hands up to her eyes and presses at them as she starts to cry softly. “What about mummy?” she asks sadly. “I want mummy.”

Louis’s face looks fierce and sad as he pulls Evie into a warm hug. He sits himself down on the floor with her and cuddles her as he pats her unruly brown hair. “Love, mummy’s got a lot of work to do. We can try for something this summer, but you’ve got to get ready for school, too,” he says gently.

Evie wails into Louis’s ratted old Adidas tee, and Nick wishes he could be more helpful. He realizes now just how good he’s gotten at reading Evie’s crying; she’s got her angry cry, and her sleepy cry, but it’s her sad cry – the one he hears right now – that hurts to hear the most.

“Shh, love, I know,” Louis says as he pats Evie’s back. “It’s rubbish, I know.”

She’s spider climbed onto Louis’s lap, legs around his waist and arms around his shoulders as she cries, and she lets every drop of snot and tears fall onto Louis’s shirt as she sobs sadly. “But I want to see mummy,” she cries. “I miss mummy.”

“I know,” Louis nods. Nick hears Louis’s voice crack and he sees the way Louis’s eyes have gone glassy and he feels so much instinct to protect them that it’s unbearable for him to just sit and watch.

He looks down at little Ollie in his arms, and then up at Evie and Louis, and he just knows he has to do something. Nick stands, giving them privacy, and puts Ollie in his cot. He’s fast asleep, having just had a bottle, so he’s out for a while. Then Nick walks into their bedroom and pulls out his phone.

He’s got Briana’s number in his phone for emergencies, in case he needs to reach her for Louis or Evie’s sake, but this is just as good. Without hesitation, Nick presses call and waits through several rings before Briana answers.

“Nick? Is everything alright?” she asks.

He’s fuming, is the thing, so he doesn’t know where to start. So he just starts with, “No.”

Briana sounds panicked as she asks, “What’s going on? Is Evie okay?”

“She’s hurt. She’s crying her little eyes out because you haven’t got the time to have her on holiday this summer,” Nick says flatly. “Louis’s too proud to say something but I’m watching them fall apart on our lounge floor and this is all I can think to do to make it right. She misses you.”

The line is silent, and then there’s a shaky breath. “You know if I had the time I would,” Briana offers. “It’s just that I’ve got this really great job, and… I’ll be on the road most of the summer. I’m contractually obligated and all, for this artist.”

“Take some time off! Take her with you!”

Nick’s livid, and he’s had it up to here with Briana’s excuses, and he just wants her to understand how much she’s hurting his family.

“I can’t!” Briana shouts. “Nick – I have no legal rights to her. If she’s sick or hurt while she’s out here I have no way to help her now. I gave that over to you.” She takes a deep breath. “And have you thought about how this is affecting me? At all?”

Nick hesitates, mouth open like he was about to speak, because he really hadn’t. He has no idea how she’s feeling.

“Every time I see her it’s like she’s someone new,” Briana explains. Her voice has softened and Nick frowns. “One day I see her and she’s speaking half-sentences and the next she’s some prim and proper little girl with full sentences and a big vocabulary. One day I’ve got to carry her or push her in her stroller as we shop, and the next day she can wander around with me, just holding my hand, and she’s alright all day. Or she can change herself or she’s potty trained or she’s writing her name. Every time I see her, it’s like I don’t even recognize her. And I hate myself for that.”

Nick’s quiet, deflated as he sits down on the edge of his bed. He hears Briana sniffle, hears a soft sob, and he wants to apologize but he can’t find his voice.

“I hate that I don’t feel like a mum to her,” she confesses. “And it’s not anybody’s fault but my own. I don’t know why I feel this way, Nick. I don’t! I love her. I love her so fucking much. But… not in a motherly way. In a proud friend, or a proud auntie sort of way. I’m… I’m defective or something, I guess, but I just don’t feel the way for her that I know I should. And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. If I could fix it, I would, but…”

She breaks in another sob, and Nick takes a deep breath. He crosses one leg over the other and runs a hand through his quiff. “Briana, I’m sorry,” he tells her in earnest. “I had no idea. I’m just… I don’t know what I’m doing, alright? I just want them to be happy.”

“I do too, Nick,” Briana replies.

“So what do we do?”

Briana cries a little more, and Nick’s chest aches because he’d never meant to hurt her so much, to bring out all this self-loathing. It’s just that if he hadn’t called her and told her what was happening, nobody would have. Never in a million years would Louis admit to Briana that he’s struggling with this aspect of Evie’s life – with helping her figure out her role in Evie’s life and how to get Evie to comprehend that.

“I’ve thought about that a lot,” Briana admits. “Since last summer. But I hate that my first instinct is to bow out completely.”

“Like – cut off all contact?” Nick sputters.

Briana sniffles and says, “I don’t want her to be sad, Nick. And… if I do it now, she probably won’t even remember who I am in five years.”

“She’s going to remember you,” Nick offers, but the problem is that he doesn’t know if that’s actually true. He doesn’t remember a thing before he was ten.

“She won’t,” Briana says. “I just… I’m already around so little, it’s like it wouldn’t change how we do things. But… I love her, Nick. So much.”

“I know you do,” Nick promises. “She loves you, too. That’s why this is so hard for her.”

Briana sounds like she’s crying all over again as she says, “But I don’t want anything to be hard for her. Ever.”

“That’s a bit inevitable,” Nick says, “but… I understand. I feel the same.”

“She’s got two parents now,” Briana says through her tears. “She doesn’t need me.”

Nick’s chest hurts, and he feels ill from all the emotion he’s had to deal with that day. He’s got everyone upset and for what? To try to help? He’s frowning and scratching at his scalp as he considers what to do.

“I think… if you can’t see yourself having time to bring Evie out there, you need to discuss things with Louis,” Nick offers. “I can’t make that decision. But if you feel it’s what’s best, then you have to tell Louis.”

“If I do it, I’ll feel so heartless, though,” Briana sobs. “People will think I don’t love my own baby.”

“All the people who matter know you love her,” Nick says.

Briana’s quiet, save for her tears, and she says, “This is so hard.”

Nick can’t imagine what she’s feeling, not really, but it sounds awfully difficult to him. It’s like the longest, most painfully drawn out adoption process ever.

“We could, like…” Nick begins. “See, Ollie’s got a surrogate. We could… well, if you wanted distance, we could… just talk to the kids about their birth mums? Being you and Ollie’s? That way she knows you and doesn’t forget you, but she learns that distance that you need.”

Briana’s quiet, and Nick’s hoping like hell he hasn’t offended her. “That would probably be best,” she concedes in a small voice.

“Hey, no,” Nick says. “Your choice. It’s just an option, y’know?”

“Yeah, no, thank you,” Briana adds quickly. “I appreciate that you’re trying to help. You’re just looking out for her.”

“You are, too,” Nick points out. “Even if you don’t feel like it.”

“How is me considering stepping out of her life helping her?” Briana scoffs.

Nick just replies softly, “Because you’re trying to protect her from hurt and confusion, like she’s feeling now, and that’s more than a lot of parents do. And when she’s older, it’ll be different. When she understands, you guys can become closer again. She can go out to visit you at your posh new place you’re going to get having worked for this massively important artist you can’t tell us about yet. She’ll be a teenager who needs her mum, because it’ll be stuff us dads aren’t equipped to help her with. We can try, but… you’re always going to have a spot in her life.”

Briana’s quiet, and Nick’s not sure if that’s good or bad yet.

“Just think of it as a break, rather than a permanent goodbye or summat,” Nick offers. “Just – whatever you choose, talk to Louis about it soon, alright?”

“Yeah,” Briana whispers. She sniffles again. “I’m sorry you’ve got to pick up the pieces of all this.”

Nick smiles a little and says, “It’s a lot, walking into an already made family, but it’s where I want to be. Nowhere else.”

“I’m so glad they’ve got you,” Briana says.

“Well, I’m glad Evie’s got you, as well,” Nick replies. “I’d be rubbish at _the talk_ when it’s time. My knowledge of the female body is basic, at best. Not really me area of specialization, that.”

Briana snorts with laughter and Nick relaxes on the spot, knowing he’s managed to put a smile back on her face.

“Go take care of them, alright?” Briana prompts. “I’ve got to get going. I’ll call Louis soon, I promise.”

“Take care,” Nick says, then rings off.

When he gets back out to the lounge, Evie and Louis are wrapped up in one big blanket, and they’ve got Frozen playing on the telly. Louis looks up at Nick with an expression that Nick can’t read, and his stomach sinks as he wonders whether Louis heard the phone call, whether he’s angry that he’s stepped out of line or something.

Evie falls asleep about the time Elsa’s building her big ice castle thing, so Louis lays her down on the sofa and goes into the kitchen where Nick’s snacking on a few digestive biscuits. He’s got a kettle steaming on the counter and he looks up when Louis comes in, looking worried.

“I can’t believe you called Briana,” Louis frowns.

He pushes past Nick to reach into the cupboard for a mug, and he doesn’t look at Nick the whole time he prepares his tea.

Nick sighs. “I was trying to help,” he offers. “I hate seeing Evie so upset. You too.”

“What happens between me and Briana and Evie is none of your business,” Louis snaps. “I’m not some bloody damsel in distress. I can handle things on my own.”

“No,” Nick says flatly. “No, that’s stupid. You made it my business when I adopted her. She’s ours now, to look out for, and if I think her mum is stringing her along and getting her hopes up and hurting her, just for us to have to pick up the pieces and seem like the bad guys, I’m going to say something.”

“I’m the one who fucked Briana, not you,” Louis hisses.

He reaches out for his mug but Nick stops him, grabs his wrist and turns Louis so he’ll look up at him. “It hurts when you see Evie cry, yeah?” Nick asks. Louis nods, though his scowl never leaves his face. When Nick’s sure Louis won’t walk away, he lets go of his wrist and says, “Well, double that, and it’s how I felt just then, watching the two of you try to keep it together in there. It breaks my heart, Louis, and I’m just trying to do what’s best.”

Louis rolls his eyes and grabs his tea. He leaves the kitchen and Nick’s not quite sure what to do now. He’d only been doing what he thought was best. He was trying to look out for his family.

That evening, dinner is stilted and awkward. Nick’s made a curry and everyone’s settled in at the table, Ollie down for his last nap of the day, and everyone is so quiet it’s eerie. Evie is shoveling small spoonfuls of food into her mouth at a time, her eyes still puffy from crying and her nose a bit sniffly. Louis is eating quickly, like he’s trying to get out of there as soon as possible, and Nick just wishes he knew how to hold his fucking family together.

He cleans up the table after Louis whisks Evie off to have a bath, and he fetches Ollie from his cot once he starts crying. He changes his nappy and goes back to the kitchen, holding the baby in a carrier on his chest while he puts away the last of the dishes. Nick kisses Ollie atop his head and whispers, “I’m sorry I’ve messed things up, love. I’ll try my best to fix it. Promise.”

Ollie coos and stares up at Nick, and that’s the only thing that could put a smile on his face, even if it’s just temporary.

So he sits around watching telly with Ollie, playing with him, kissing his little toes and teaching him how to high five, and Evie and Louis don’t appear – not even once. Nick starts to feel scared, like he’s chased them away so badly they’ve left him in the house with Ollie and no note, no message, but he can faintly hear the sounds of footsteps upstairs.

He hates himself for how paranoid he’s feeling.

The rest of the evening Nick spends with Ollie, giving him a bath and changing his nappy and feeding him his bedtime bottle. Once he’s down for bed again, Nick decides to just have a shower and go to bed himself, since nobody else is going to make themselves known to him.

He takes his time in the shower, trying to swallow back all the fear and nervousness he’s got bottled up inside. Nothing about the day has been easy, even though all he’d been trying to do from the very start was make things easier for everyone.

After, Nick curls up in bed and switches on the telly to see if anything good is on. Naturally, there’s nothing, so he settles on an old episode of Bake Off and curls up under the blankets.

He drifts off to sleep as he does, and doesn’t even realize it until he feels the weight of Louis climbing into bed with him. Cold feet brush his legs as Louis settles in, and the telly’s off now – all the lights are.

Louis curls up to Nick like he always does, and it’s instinct for Nick to put an arm around Louis and kiss the top of his head. “Briana called,” Louis says, his voice gravelly like he’d either been shouting or crying. “She told me what you guys talked about.”

Nick’s not quite sure what to say to that. Dumbly, he settles for, “Oh?”

“This whole thing is so complicated,” Louis says. “I shouldn’t have been mad at you. You’re just trying to help.”

It’s close enough to a _you were right_ or an _I’m sorry_ that Nick doesn’t push for more, however much he wants to hear them, because he’s been walking on glass all night and he hates the feeling of having to tiptoe around his fiancé in their own home.

“Briana wants distance,” Louis says. “So we’re going to give it to her. We can ask Evie when she’s older if she wants to see her mum, and I’ve told Briana that if she says no, then I won’t make her. So… it could be permanent.”

“What did Briana say?” Nick asks.

“She says she understands, and that she wouldn’t force Evie into anything she doesn’t want,” Louis explains.

He knots a hand in Nick’s shirt and confesses, “I had no idea she felt that way.”

“Which way, love?” Nick prompts.

“Like she’s not her mum,” Louis explains. “Like… she wants to be, but she’s not.”

Nick kisses the top of Louis’s head. “She’s awfully torn up about it,” he says. “The day we signed the papers she told me, too. Said she felt so awful for not having that maternal instinct, or whatever you want to call it.”

Louis nods. “I hadn’t realized she felt that way,” he says. “But… if she does, I don’t want her miserable or guilty. She’s…” he swallows hard. “She’s trying to do what’s right for Evie, too.”

“Exactly,” Nick says. “That’s all any of us are trying to do.”

Louis looks up at Nick and he looks as puffy-eyed as Evie had earlier. “I don’t want you to call Briana anymore,” Louis says simply. “I… I know you’re looking out for Evie, but if Briana’s gone then she’s gone. I want to know what Briana’s told about her. I want to be in charge of what’s going on. She’s my ex, after all.”

Nick feels a pang of something in his chest – hurt, maybe, that Louis no longer trusts him – but he’s too exhausted to fight it, and if Briana’s cutting off ties for a while then he won’t need her number anyway. It’s the principle of it all, is the thing.

“O-okay,” Nick stammers. He feels his cheeks go hot and he’s not really sure what he’s supposed to make of this, the sudden lack of trust all over again.

Louis holds out his hand. “Phone?”

Nick sighs and hands over his phone, unlocking it with his thumbprint as he does. Then he rolls onto his back and stares up at the ceiling, trying to keep his breathing steady. Louis taps away at the screen and Nick closes his eyes, trying not to feel hurt. He reminds himself that what he did was a little bit wrong, but… the ache of knowing Louis doesn’t trust him, at least a little bit, is more than Nick likes. But he picks his battles, knows this probably won’t matter – eventually.

Nick’s quiet when Louis hands him back his phone, and he sets it on the bedside table before draping an arm over his eyes. He really doesn’t know what to do with all the emotions he’s gone through that day. A fat lot of good trying to be helpful does, Nick thinks bitterly.

Louis is quiet now, and he’s studying Nick through the darkness. He’s clearly picked up on Nick’s frustration, but Nick ignores it.

“I still love you, you know,” Louis says softly.

He lays down on his back next to Nick, staring up at the ceiling. This is the first night in memory where they haven’t gone to sleep touching at least a little bit. Nick’s not sure what to make of it.

“I know,” Nick replies, realizing Louis is still waiting for an answer. “I still love you, too.”


End file.
